1 00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:05,004 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:08,307 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,910 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:15,047 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:18,350 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:21,569 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,638 --> 00:00:23,366 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,390 --> 00:00:24,990 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:29,928 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:37,051 It's that time of year again. 11 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,560 Are you a New England dirtbag who wants to run with bulls, 12 00:00:39,590 --> 00:00:41,589 but thinks Spain is gay? 13 00:00:41,658 --> 00:00:43,959 Then don't miss the Seriously Wicked Bull Run 14 00:00:44,027 --> 00:00:45,527 in South Attleboro, Mass! 15 00:00:45,595 --> 00:00:48,113 You and your friends can run from a bunch of live bulls, 16 00:00:48,165 --> 00:00:51,010 and lots of times, there's a chick whose boob comes out. 17 00:00:51,034 --> 00:00:53,074 Order your tickets before it's too late! 18 00:00:56,073 --> 00:00:57,155 Toilets limited. 19 00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,169 Wow, that seems pretty cool. 20 00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:01,193 Ugh, I don't know. Seems pretty lame to me. 21 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,295 Yeah, waste of time. I agree. 22 00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:04,862 Hey, Joe, isn't this your round? 23 00:01:04,931 --> 00:01:07,277 Sure. I'll wheel over to the bar and bring back your beers 24 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,612 one by one in my lap. 25 00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:11,503 You guys, we are so doing that bull run. 26 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,249 Buying the tickets as we speak! 27 00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:14,339 But we can't tell Joe. 28 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,918 Of course not, he'll be dead weight. 29 00:01:15,942 --> 00:01:18,020 You can't do a bull run with a guy in a wheelchair. 30 00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:20,128 Yeah, this is for athletes. 31 00:01:26,436 --> 00:01:28,476 Just the regular wash, please. 32 00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:31,451 And I'm supposed to mention that I saw you on LivingSocial? 33 00:01:31,475 --> 00:01:32,552 Was that worth it? 34 00:01:32,576 --> 00:01:34,521 Was that worth the $1 you saved? 35 00:01:34,545 --> 00:01:36,978 I'm sorry, we're not doing that promotion anymore. 36 00:01:37,047 --> 00:01:39,314 Oh, all the humiliation, 37 00:01:39,383 --> 00:01:40,882 none of the reward. 38 00:01:45,288 --> 00:01:48,089 You know, some people are okay with the drive-through car wash. 39 00:01:48,158 --> 00:01:50,136 Me, I'm a fan of the hand job. 40 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:51,237 Hi, I'm Brian. 41 00:01:51,261 --> 00:01:52,839 Yes, I like to have fun with language. 42 00:01:53,964 --> 00:01:54,964 You're so funny. 43 00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:56,531 I'm Tori. 44 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,133 I got hit by a car in high school, so I don't have to work. 45 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,348 Cool. Hey, so what's your afternoon like? 46 00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:02,637 I don't have plans. 47 00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:05,257 Maybe we could grab lunch and then see what happens. 48 00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:07,692 Ugh. This will not end well. 49 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,544 Like eating an artichoke. 50 00:02:09,613 --> 00:02:10,979 Good Lord! 51 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:13,782 I ate nothing, and I'm soaking wet for some reason. 52 00:02:17,754 --> 00:02:19,866 So, you guys all pumped to run with the bulls? 53 00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:23,658 You bet, this is gonna be my first exercise since I chased that balloon. 54 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:24,826 Hey, what's going on? 55 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,260 Hey, Joe. 56 00:02:26,329 --> 00:02:28,563 We are competing 57 00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:32,100 in the international Chef Boyardee look-alike contest. 58 00:02:32,168 --> 00:02:33,768 Oh. Well, where's your chef hat? 59 00:02:33,837 --> 00:02:35,136 You guys are gonna lose. 60 00:02:35,205 --> 00:02:36,838 Especially Cleveland. 61 00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:39,518 He's in the Cream of Wheat competition, which is down the street. 62 00:02:39,542 --> 00:02:40,987 We gotta go now. We're very late. 63 00:02:41,011 --> 00:02:43,778 Well, this is funny, because... 64 00:02:43,847 --> 00:02:45,180 Guess where I'm going. 65 00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:46,348 And I got the hat. 66 00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:47,749 You guys are dead! 67 00:02:47,818 --> 00:02:49,851 Look, Joe. 68 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,297 We didn't wanna tell you, 69 00:02:51,321 --> 00:02:53,399 but we're going to the Seriously Wicked Bull Run. 70 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:56,302 We didn't invite you because we didn't think you could keep up. 71 00:02:56,326 --> 00:02:59,661 Yeah, we thought it seemed too dangerous for, uh, 72 00:02:59,729 --> 00:03:02,898 incapacitated, half-man, shrivel-legged gimps. 73 00:03:02,966 --> 00:03:04,711 And we didn't wanna hurt your feelings. 74 00:03:04,735 --> 00:03:07,068 Come on, my handicap has never held me back. 75 00:03:07,137 --> 00:03:08,536 I'm coming with you guys. 76 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,239 Joe, you peed in your bag while you said that. 77 00:03:11,308 --> 00:03:13,541 Can you honestly say that you didn't pee 78 00:03:13,611 --> 00:03:15,944 just now while you were talking? 79 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,196 Okay, you can come. 80 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:25,203 Wow. That was amazing. 81 00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:26,371 Hey, just to be clear, 82 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,973 I don't really think you're a whore. 83 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:31,276 I just need to say that, you know, to finish. 84 00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:32,989 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. 85 00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,291 And obviously, I don't think you're my Uncle Dale. 86 00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:36,514 Good, good, same page. 87 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,829 Oh, crap, my husband's home early. 88 00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,093 Wait a minute, you're married? 89 00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:42,353 And he's here? Now? 90 00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,233 Yeah, that's him. 91 00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:45,468 You've gotta get out of here. 92 00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:46,992 He's really jealous. 93 00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,606 I think he's bitter because he never got the credit he deserved 94 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,390 for killing Osama bin Laden. 95 00:03:51,414 --> 00:03:53,174 Your husband's a Navy SEAL? 96 00:03:55,519 --> 00:03:57,969 What the hell is going on here? What is this? 97 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:03,675 You got a dog? 98 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:07,379 Uh, yeah! I rescued him from the pound. 99 00:04:09,032 --> 00:04:10,966 Well, hey there, buddy. 100 00:04:11,034 --> 00:04:12,714 Wow. His nose is super wet. 101 00:04:12,769 --> 00:04:14,235 He must be healthy. 102 00:04:14,304 --> 00:04:17,572 Yup. And somebody's been rooting in a sardine can. 103 00:04:17,641 --> 00:04:19,307 Well, I'm gonna grab a shower. 104 00:04:19,376 --> 00:04:21,075 Great, honey. 105 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,840 Oh, my God, that was close. 106 00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,208 Yeah, but think about it. 107 00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:27,110 As long as he thinks you're our new pet, 108 00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:30,013 we can keep fooling around behind his back. 109 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,870 Huh. You're right. 110 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:33,516 Oh, this could be an even better scam 111 00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:35,440 than that claw machine at the arcade. 112 00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:38,788 Damn it, this game is so stupid! 113 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,991 It's impossible to do anything with a dumb, crappy claw! 114 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:45,550 Hey, that's mean, and it's not even true! I'm leaving! 115 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,552 Dang it! 116 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,452 You need a little help? No! 117 00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:58,774 If you could angle up the ring, 118 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:01,038 then I could kind of hook it. 119 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,204 How do you drive? 120 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:07,539 Bad! 121 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,508 Yeah, yeah, yeah... 122 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,396 We clearly overdressed. 123 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,654 They have the type of fat white woman here 124 00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:25,223 that not even I am interested in. 125 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:28,088 Ladies, gentlemen, and alternative high school graduates, 126 00:05:28,112 --> 00:05:30,328 get ready to run for your lives! 127 00:05:38,221 --> 00:05:40,254 Ah! I shouldn't have worn high heels! 128 00:05:40,323 --> 00:05:41,834 Oh, stop it! You look great. 129 00:05:41,858 --> 00:05:44,158 Oh, well, I didn't want all this attention. 130 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:49,192 Cleveland, why do you let them talk you into these things? 131 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,650 This is how people-pleasers die! 132 00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:54,497 Hey, guys, after this, let's beat alligators with sticks or something. 133 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,020 You read my mind! 134 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,073 We just talked about this! 135 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:03,562 Whoo! This is amazing! I told you guys I could do it! 136 00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:26,117 Look out, 137 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:28,786 Joe! 138 00:07:08,946 --> 00:07:10,178 Joe, oh, my God! 139 00:07:11,314 --> 00:07:12,564 You all right? 140 00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:15,166 I can't feel anything below my neck! 141 00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:17,285 I can't move a muscle, guys! 142 00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:18,398 Oh, my God! 143 00:07:18,422 --> 00:07:20,755 Joe's completely paralyzed! 144 00:07:20,824 --> 00:07:23,157 ♪ Walk like a man... ♪ 145 00:07:23,227 --> 00:07:25,427 Oh, that's me. That's unfortunate. 146 00:07:25,495 --> 00:07:26,739 That's Lois, hold on. 147 00:07:26,763 --> 00:07:28,162 Hey, babe. 148 00:07:28,232 --> 00:07:30,465 Uh, good. Little hiccup, but fun. 149 00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:41,893 You guys! 150 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,306 I've been trying to keep my birthday a secret. 151 00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,575 No, Dr. Hartman, we're not here for your birthday. 152 00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:47,849 We're here for Joe. 153 00:07:47,917 --> 00:07:50,401 Don't sugarcoat it, Doc. Just give it to me straight. 154 00:07:50,453 --> 00:07:53,032 Well, Mr. Swanson, I did an exploratory procedure, 155 00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,818 which revealed extensive damage. 156 00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,908 Please, just tell me, am I completely paralyzed? 157 00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,410 I'm afraid 158 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,480 of ghosts. 159 00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:01,580 And yes. 160 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,615 Mr. Swanson has lost all movement, 161 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,762 and will require around-the-clock care. 162 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:07,118 Most of it disgusting. 163 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,788 Oh, my God, Bonnie, I'm so sorry. 164 00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,534 If there's anything I can do... 165 00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:12,824 There actually is. 166 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,793 Could you collect my mail forever? 167 00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,962 I'm leaving Joe and moving to Europe. 168 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,830 I didn't sign up for this. 169 00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,132 Bonnie, wait! God, this is awful. 170 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,751 What am I gonna do? 171 00:08:22,819 --> 00:08:25,131 Well, seems like you folks have this all taken care of. 172 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:27,333 Surprise! 173 00:08:27,357 --> 00:08:29,369 Oh, you guys! 174 00:08:29,393 --> 00:08:30,903 Hey, don't go in that room back there. 175 00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,810 It's, like, super sad. 176 00:08:38,201 --> 00:08:40,969 Coming up, quintuplets born at Quahog General. 177 00:08:42,171 --> 00:08:43,337 What? That's... 178 00:08:43,406 --> 00:08:45,417 Oh, that's supposed to be "burn"? Oh! 179 00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:47,875 Coming up, quintuplets burn at Quahog General. 180 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:52,264 Hey, honey, get in here. 181 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,344 Check this out, the way he's sitting. 182 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,779 It looks like the dog's watching the news. 183 00:08:56,803 --> 00:09:00,005 You like watching the news, you dumb dog? 184 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,774 Well, I'm off to do what former Navy SEALs do, 185 00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:04,175 sell lawnmowers. 186 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,512 Wow. He really has no idea. 187 00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:09,614 Hey, wanna take a shower with me? 188 00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:10,965 Sure. 189 00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:12,712 Man, this is a pretty sweet gig. 190 00:09:12,736 --> 00:09:14,986 Like being a member of Daft Punk. 191 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,988 Look at this old Casio keyboard 192 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,257 from the 1980s that I have found. 193 00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:21,793 Watch what happens when I push this demo button. 194 00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:26,931 Hello, Daft Punk? 195 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,112 Great song. Here's a Grammy. 196 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:31,803 You know, is funny. 197 00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:35,352 Until you spoke, I did not know we were French! 198 00:09:38,528 --> 00:09:40,761 There you go, Joe. All settled. 199 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,476 Now, which wall would you like to look at for the rest of your life? 200 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,933 I don't know, maybe that one. 201 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,980 I have no idea what you're pointing at, Joe. 202 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,382 You gotta meet us halfway. 203 00:09:49,406 --> 00:09:51,183 Look, guys, I don't wanna be a burden to anyone. 204 00:09:51,207 --> 00:09:54,375 You go ahead and live your lives. I'll be fine. 205 00:09:54,444 --> 00:09:56,122 We can't just leave you, Joe. 206 00:09:56,146 --> 00:09:59,026 So before we go, I'm gonna put the remote in your mouth. 207 00:09:59,515 --> 00:10:01,015 Here's a can of chili. 208 00:10:01,084 --> 00:10:03,852 And the opener we'll put in your mouth. 209 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,132 And here's a magazine I thought you might like to read. 210 00:10:06,156 --> 00:10:08,000 I'm gonna put it in your mouth. 211 00:10:09,425 --> 00:10:10,920 You're a good friend, Peter. 212 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,056 Joe, I just wish we could do more, 213 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,280 but obviously your mouth is full. 214 00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:18,127 And you probably don't want any reminders of Bonnie around the house, 215 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,296 so, I cleared out all of her underwear. 216 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,564 Okay, don't be a stranger. 217 00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:23,954 Yeah, 'cause we're not supposed to talk to those. 218 00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:26,001 I don't know, I'm not sure I feel right 219 00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:27,592 about leaving Joe. 220 00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:30,439 Doesn't seem like he's gonna be able to take care of himself. 221 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,708 Yeah, we're... We're kind of all he has now. 222 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,377 What? Joe? What are you talking about? 223 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:35,433 He's fine. 224 00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:39,815 Look, he's already watching The Price Is Right in there. 225 00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:42,907 Oh, he's biting too hard on the volume. 226 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,891 Okay, you can play over there in the sandbox, honey. 227 00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,715 Mommy's just gonna read her book. 228 00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:52,695 Okay, I'm just gonna walk 30 feet away, 229 00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:55,181 and then panic because I can't see you. 230 00:10:55,205 --> 00:10:57,116 Can you fit me in at 10:00 tomorrow? 231 00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:58,984 It's getting a little long on the sides. 232 00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:01,276 Brian? What are you doing on a leash? 233 00:11:01,344 --> 00:11:03,278 And, who's that? Shh. Be cool. 234 00:11:03,346 --> 00:11:04,990 This is the guy whose wife I'm banging. 235 00:11:05,014 --> 00:11:06,480 Oh, what a romantic way to put it. 236 00:11:06,549 --> 00:11:07,799 Yeah, it's great. 237 00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,411 I just pretend to be their dog, 238 00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:10,880 and then when he leaves for work, 239 00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:14,155 I get to go to the pound, if you know what I mean. 240 00:11:14,223 --> 00:11:16,491 God, Brian, you are such a scumbag. 241 00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:18,526 I can't believe you... Mommy! Mommy! 242 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:21,206 Where's my Mommy? I have no one and nothing! 243 00:11:21,230 --> 00:11:22,797 I'm right here, honey. 244 00:11:22,865 --> 00:11:24,365 Oh, thank God. 245 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,333 She's such a gross hog. 246 00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:32,435 Joe, you can't just sit here. 247 00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,499 You need intellectual stimulation. 248 00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:36,539 So I brought something to read to you. 249 00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:39,614 It's the word search from the Sunday circular. 250 00:11:39,682 --> 00:11:43,151 "Kangaroo." Let's see if we can find that one. 251 00:11:43,219 --> 00:11:46,787 "Outback." I think it's an Australian theme. 252 00:11:46,856 --> 00:11:49,257 "Koala." It definitely is. 253 00:11:49,325 --> 00:11:50,769 Can't make out this one. 254 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:54,362 "Abor... Aborgine... Aborgina?" 255 00:11:54,430 --> 00:11:56,575 That's what they call eggplant down there. 256 00:11:56,599 --> 00:11:59,879 You know what? Forget this. I'll just read to you from Jet. 257 00:12:00,436 --> 00:12:01,935 Look, this whole page 258 00:12:02,004 --> 00:12:04,617 is all the Wayans brothers sitting in different positions. 259 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:07,186 How you suppose they come up with all them positions? 260 00:12:07,210 --> 00:12:08,754 You could give me a million years. 261 00:12:08,778 --> 00:12:10,556 I just ain't wired that way. 262 00:12:10,580 --> 00:12:12,158 Marlon's like a rubber man. 263 00:12:12,182 --> 00:12:13,792 He can sit in any kind of way. 264 00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:16,595 Here's Keenen telling the younger ones how to sit. 265 00:12:16,619 --> 00:12:17,863 Like they gonna listen. 266 00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:19,632 Damon's doing his own thing. 267 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,889 No surprise there. That's Damon. 268 00:12:21,957 --> 00:12:23,602 You enjoying all this, Joe? 269 00:12:23,626 --> 00:12:26,911 I'm honestly just glad it seems like you have something you like. 270 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,995 All right, Joe, you can't just stay cooped up in the house all day. 271 00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:35,486 So, I found a fun activity you can still enjoy. 272 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,188 Indoor skydiving. 273 00:12:39,543 --> 00:12:40,808 What does your friend weigh? 274 00:12:40,877 --> 00:12:42,077 Same as me, probably. 275 00:12:42,111 --> 00:12:44,056 I don't know, 500, 600 pounds. 276 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,780 Whoa! I better crank it up. 277 00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,448 Okay, there's a chance he weighed less. 278 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:55,106 Man, he's up there. Five, 10 feet at least. 279 00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:56,934 You're not very good with numbers, are you? 280 00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,076 No, sir. 281 00:12:58,144 --> 00:12:59,655 Well, he's gonna be up there for a while. 282 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,791 What do you say I go buy you 3,000 beers? 283 00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,447 Buddy, I don't know who you are, 284 00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,767 but I'm sure as hell glad you walked in here. 285 00:13:11,241 --> 00:13:13,741 Hey, my laptop's out of battery. You want to have sex? 286 00:13:13,810 --> 00:13:16,511 Sure, I've almost finished my sandwich, anyway. 287 00:13:18,915 --> 00:13:21,427 Ugh. Come on. I don't want to have to watch this. 288 00:13:21,451 --> 00:13:22,850 Yeah, that's right. 289 00:13:22,919 --> 00:13:26,787 I was the only one who didn't get to meet Biden. 290 00:13:26,856 --> 00:13:29,240 You know what? Screw this. I'm out of here. 291 00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:34,011 Ha! Skewered. 292 00:13:36,165 --> 00:13:38,031 Hey! Where do you think you're going? 293 00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,902 You're my dog. You're not going anywhere. 294 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:44,288 Besides, I need you, boy. Now more than ever. 295 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,638 I think my wife is cheating on me. 296 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:51,145 Hey, Tori, it's Brian. I'm getting the Chinese food for us. 297 00:13:51,213 --> 00:13:53,914 I think I'm gonna order some Me Like Bang Ho. 298 00:13:53,983 --> 00:13:55,215 That's... 299 00:13:55,285 --> 00:13:57,685 That's not a real thing, I'm talking about sex. 300 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,570 All right, I'll be there in five. 301 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,817 Man, when I find that son of a bitch, 302 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,241 I'm gonna rip his head off. 303 00:14:05,395 --> 00:14:06,961 God, what a nightmare. 304 00:14:07,030 --> 00:14:09,781 That guy's even scarier than a thesaurus-asaurus. 305 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:15,269 Tread, stomp, trudge, growl, roar, ululate. 306 00:14:15,338 --> 00:14:17,672 Antonym... Whisper. 307 00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:18,806 What's wrong with him? 308 00:14:18,875 --> 00:14:20,753 He's on the spectrum. Spectrum? 309 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:24,061 In my day, we'd throw him in the army and have him play the bugle. 310 00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:30,112 Peter, this just isn't working. 311 00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,303 We can't take proper care of Joe. 312 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,783 It's a huge amount of work and we don't have any idea what we're doing. 313 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:37,086 Quagmire's right. It's too much. 314 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,553 I just think he'd be better off 315 00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:41,128 under the care of grumpy Filipino nurses. 316 00:14:41,197 --> 00:14:42,975 Yeah, that's why I looked into it, 317 00:14:42,999 --> 00:14:44,277 and we've reserved a place for him 318 00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:47,669 at the State Home for Mentals and Bastards. 319 00:14:47,737 --> 00:14:51,972 Oh, my God, sometimes they whip 'em with hoses outside? 320 00:14:52,041 --> 00:14:53,257 This is perfect! 321 00:15:02,084 --> 00:15:04,819 Hi, I work here. 322 00:15:04,888 --> 00:15:06,499 I don't think this guy works here. 323 00:15:06,523 --> 00:15:07,788 Hi, can I help you? 324 00:15:07,857 --> 00:15:09,267 Yeah, this is Joe Swanson. 325 00:15:09,291 --> 00:15:11,570 We arranged for a 9:15 dump-off? 326 00:15:11,594 --> 00:15:15,196 Go on, guys, get out of here. I'll be fine. 327 00:15:15,264 --> 00:15:16,842 Bye, Joe. Take care, man. 328 00:15:16,866 --> 00:15:17,866 See you, Joe. 329 00:15:21,270 --> 00:15:22,381 Hold on, guys. 330 00:15:22,405 --> 00:15:25,907 There's one last thing I got to say to my friend. 331 00:15:25,975 --> 00:15:27,987 Hey, Joe, you know that movie you told me to watch, 332 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,989 that you said was your favorite movie of all time, 333 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,223 and you said I had to watch it? 334 00:15:31,247 --> 00:15:33,192 Backdraft. You finally watched it? 335 00:15:33,216 --> 00:15:34,560 Yeah. Wasn't it great? 336 00:15:34,584 --> 00:15:36,617 I thought it was stupid. Take care, Joe. 337 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:47,444 You know, that state home we left Joe in didn't seem so bad. 338 00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:48,679 Yeah, it's got to be good. 339 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,782 I mean, Napoleon Bonaparte was there. 340 00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:52,327 Would the French people let their boss 341 00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:53,751 walk around in stained underwear 342 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:55,740 trying to stab people if the place wasn't nice? 343 00:15:55,805 --> 00:15:57,249 Yeah, no, no, you're right, you're right. 344 00:15:57,273 --> 00:15:58,751 Joe will get much better care there. 345 00:15:58,775 --> 00:16:00,240 I still feel bad. 346 00:16:00,309 --> 00:16:03,309 Come on, you guys. Joe's gonna be fine. He'll fit in great there. 347 00:16:03,345 --> 00:16:05,329 Not like when I went to Hogwarts. 348 00:16:06,449 --> 00:16:08,015 Slytherin. 349 00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:11,419 Hufflepuff. 350 00:16:13,356 --> 00:16:16,690 Housing for registered sex offenders! 351 00:16:16,759 --> 00:16:17,759 Oh... 352 00:16:25,668 --> 00:16:27,000 Oh, Tori, thank God. 353 00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,047 Listen, you got to unchain me. Look what Vic did. 354 00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,706 Tell me about it. He's lost his mind. 355 00:16:31,774 --> 00:16:34,086 That's why I'm gonna go stay with my mother in Baltimore 356 00:16:34,110 --> 00:16:35,588 and work at her wife's bar. 357 00:16:35,612 --> 00:16:37,778 Wait, what? Tori, come back! 358 00:16:37,846 --> 00:16:38,846 Damn it. 359 00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,414 Wow, shocker. 360 00:16:40,483 --> 00:16:43,116 Your gross hook-up from the car wash ended poorly? 361 00:16:43,185 --> 00:16:45,163 Stewie, thank God! How'd you find me? 362 00:16:45,187 --> 00:16:46,865 Well, you remember when the vet knocked you out 363 00:16:46,889 --> 00:16:48,355 to take out that rotten tooth? 364 00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,302 He also put a tracking chip in your neck. 365 00:16:50,326 --> 00:16:52,571 What? That's a total violation of my rights! 366 00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:54,995 I like how you're chained up in a yard 367 00:16:55,064 --> 00:16:56,744 and still trying to pretend you're a guy. 368 00:16:56,799 --> 00:16:58,009 Look, you got to help me. 369 00:16:58,033 --> 00:16:59,144 Her husband's a maniac, 370 00:16:59,168 --> 00:17:00,378 and the only reason he hasn't killed me 371 00:17:00,402 --> 00:17:02,548 is because he thinks I'm just his pet dog. 372 00:17:02,572 --> 00:17:05,706 He's got a padlock on here. But don't worry, I'll figure something out. 373 00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:08,253 Well, hurry, 'cause I'm trapped like a baseball announcer. 374 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,122 And, the count is two and two. 375 00:17:10,146 --> 00:17:12,513 Garcia steps off the mound again, 376 00:17:12,582 --> 00:17:16,050 virtually guaranteeing that my wife will be asleep when I get home. 377 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,663 The big right-hander kicks a little dirt 378 00:17:17,687 --> 00:17:21,221 and tosses the rosin bag as my children grow up without me. 379 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,868 Okay, and now a fan in the stands 380 00:17:22,892 --> 00:17:24,892 is giving me the finger. I agree. 381 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,271 Hey, I don't know if you can hear it, 382 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,696 but I'm peeing in my coffee cup right now. 383 00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:35,597 There you are. Where the hell have you been? 384 00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:39,022 I got arrested for huckin' a TV/VCR combo off the damn. 385 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,292 Off the damn what? 386 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:41,725 Off the damn overpass. 387 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,160 Oh... 388 00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,996 God, I love you, Lois. That was like great sex. 389 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,632 But, seriously, it was bad. It hit a school bus. 390 00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,513 Oh, my God! Well, can you go talk to Joe? 391 00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:54,083 Maybe he can put in a word for you down at the police station. 392 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:57,441 Yeah, yeah, Joe... Yeah, maybe, maybe. 393 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,176 Do you... Uh... You want a back rub? 394 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,178 Peter, what's going on? 395 00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,279 Uh, what do you mean? 396 00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:04,059 Whenever you offer me a back rub, 397 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,403 it means you're hiding something. 398 00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:14,308 You want a back rub? 399 00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:19,296 We may or may not have put Joe in a smelly home for the goofy. 400 00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:20,397 What? 401 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,478 Peter, those places are a horror show! 402 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,847 Joe's your friend! How could you treat him like that? 403 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,438 We just couldn't handle him being fully paralyzed. 404 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,027 We didn't know what else to do. 405 00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:31,203 But, you're right. We got to get him out of there. 406 00:18:31,227 --> 00:18:33,394 You most certainly do. 407 00:18:33,463 --> 00:18:35,474 All right, how about that back rub now? 408 00:18:35,498 --> 00:18:36,731 What are you, nuts? 409 00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,115 What the hell do you want? 410 00:18:44,139 --> 00:18:46,618 Oh, hello, sir. I'm afraid there's been a mistake. 411 00:18:46,642 --> 00:18:48,375 I believe you found our dog, 412 00:18:48,444 --> 00:18:50,094 and we need to take him home. 413 00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:51,929 No way! Get lost, kid. 414 00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:53,464 He's my dog now. 415 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,800 Well, we figured you'd say no to us, 416 00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:58,669 but not to Vice President Joe Biden! 417 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,238 Oh, my God! Mr. Vice President! 418 00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,773 First, I want to thank you, Vic, 419 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,943 for shooting the guy we said was Osama bin Laden. 420 00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:08,779 Second, give these kids their dog back. 421 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,349 Of course, sir, I'm so sorry! 422 00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:13,250 Here, take him! 423 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:16,020 Thank you. You're a great American. 424 00:19:16,089 --> 00:19:17,588 Thanks, Mr. Biden! 425 00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:18,990 No problem. 426 00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,270 Hey, you guys watch Veep? No. 427 00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:22,960 Yeah, it's all fake. 428 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,128 Yeah, we said no. 429 00:19:29,485 --> 00:19:31,752 Hi, uh, we're here to pick up Joe Swanson. 430 00:19:31,821 --> 00:19:34,733 Are you from the news? You have to tell us if you're from the news. 431 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:35,923 No, we're his friends. 432 00:19:35,991 --> 00:19:37,357 What are you guys doing here? 433 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:39,037 We came to bring you home, Joe. 434 00:19:39,061 --> 00:19:41,190 We're all really sorry we abandoned you. 435 00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:44,364 Yeah, we just kind of got overwhelmed and all freaked out. 436 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,944 But, we're your friends, Joe. 437 00:19:45,968 --> 00:19:48,180 And we'll always be there for you no matter what. 438 00:19:48,204 --> 00:19:49,703 Thanks, guys. 439 00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:52,434 I'd say, "Let's get my stuff," but it's all been stolen. 440 00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:55,359 That's okay. Come on, let's go home. 441 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,006 Sorry, no one gets out of here 442 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,607 without a release from their doctor. 443 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,442 All right, we'll just call him right now. 444 00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:06,711 What's that ringing? 445 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,973 Joe, that ringing, it's coming from your back! 446 00:20:13,997 --> 00:20:15,012 It is. 447 00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:16,480 Holy crap! 448 00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:18,727 Dr. Hartman must have dropped his phone in Joe 449 00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:20,062 when he was looking at his spine! 450 00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,218 Oh, thank God. 451 00:20:21,287 --> 00:20:22,927 I've been hearing that ringing all week. 452 00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,395 I just thought I was losing my mind 453 00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:26,690 from lunatics screaming in my face. 454 00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,459 Your mother's a whore! 455 00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:32,078 I told you that in confidence, Gary. 456 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,452 It's so great to have you back, Joe. 457 00:20:38,521 --> 00:20:39,953 You seem good as new. 458 00:20:40,022 --> 00:20:42,255 Yeah, it turns out Dr. Hartman's cell phone 459 00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:44,068 was pressing on my spinal cord, 460 00:20:44,092 --> 00:20:46,672 and that's what was causing my total paralysis. 461 00:20:46,696 --> 00:20:48,895 Yeah, sorry we dropped the ball for a while, 462 00:20:48,964 --> 00:20:51,410 which is the way we agreed we'd describe what we did to you, 463 00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:53,144 which, hopefully, makes it seem less heinous. 464 00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:56,488 It's all right, guys. I'm just glad to be back on my feet. 465 00:20:56,539 --> 00:20:58,784 Well, you know what I mean. 466 00:21:01,977 --> 00:21:04,078 I never saw much of Joe after that. 467 00:21:04,147 --> 00:21:08,332 And, while he's been gone for many years, I've never forgotten his face 468 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,300 or his laughter. 469 00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:13,949 Come on, are we going to the beach? 470 00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,584 We've been waiting forever. 471 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:16,974 Yeah, be right there, champ. 472 00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:19,409 He said that the first two times we asked. 473 00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:22,780 I know, he spaces out when he's at the computer. 474 00:21:32,224 --> 00:21:33,957 These aren't my kids. 475 00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:36,993 And also, this isn't play-wrestling. We're actually fighting.